Sex & Relationship

The Importance of ‘Self’ in a Relationship

Most people tend to put their romantic relationships above everything else, whether it’s their professional ambition, hobbies, or personal goals. Once people find the right person, especially in the first year, they do everything to be perfect for that person. This is basically because they don’t want to lose their chosen partner, and want the other person to see them as the “perfect match”.

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This time in a relationship is totally normal and inevitable, sometimes called the “honeymoon phase”. This is the first few months, or the first year, when nothing is as important as this relationship, and that person. Losing them is very scary, and so we must be absolutely perfect for them. But some people lose themselves in this phase, and that’s also something normal.

Losing yourself in this honeymoon phase is nothing to be afraid of, and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with the relationship. Nevertheless, you have to work on bringing yourself back to the realm of the living, and finding a balance between yourself, and your relationship. This is very important, because after the honeymoon phase ends, comes a time of calm, and comfort. This is when the men get “lazy”, this is when the courtship and flirting simmer down a little, and this is when your “self” takes the spotlight again. And some people find that their self is not what it used to be. Hobbies faded, personal goals seem boring, motivation is lacking, and they sit there thinking “oh my word, what have I become?”

Noticing this and acting upon it is also very important for your relationship. Clinging on one another, and depending on another person physically, financially, or emotionally is not ideal for either party. Being supported, understood, and respected should be a given in any healthy relationship, but you shouldn’t constantly look for emotional “charge” from an external being. If this clinging begins to unfold, because someone has lost themselves in the honeymoon phase, the only person who can act upon that is them.

The first thing to understand is that a relationship is healthiest when two people can remain two individuals. Both parties should be able to grow as a person, and as a part of a unit, which is the relationship. Acknowledge, that when beginning a relationship, the smallest unit isn’t yourself anymore, but the two of you as a force, but this doesn’t mean that people can’t have personal goals and dreams that are separate from the unit. The second step is to try to remember what your goals were before getting into this relationship. What are some elements of your daily routine that got lost? What are some personal, financial, or professional goals that you neglected? And after taking note of some of these aspects of your “previous life”, think about what you miss right now.

Read More: 5 Effects of Gaslighting on relationships and Mental health

Some people lose their hobbies, some lose a workout routine, friends, family, or the importance of a promotion. Some of these things weren’t even that important, to begin with, and life is still a pretty good one without them. But some are things that made you who you are, motivated you, and their disappearance has made your life a greyer one. These latter ones should be rekindled and implemented into your relationship. Chances are, that you no longer will be your old self because thankfully we are capable of change, and that person is in the past. But some hobbies, goals, routines can be implemented into your new lifestyle, and this will help be yourself in this unit you’ve created.

Being in control of this change is very important, and it is something only you can do actively. This will allow you to be strong and independent in the relationship and will take a huge load off your partner’s shoulder because they’ll see that you are in charge of your happiness, and you can support each other as two healthy grownups.

Photo by Maksym Kaharlytskyi on Unsplash

A relationship is a start of a unit. It should be a partnership in every way possible. But while you are now the smallest unit, and you try to factor each other into important decisions, you are still an individual, and you still have to remain responsible for your physical and emotional health most of the time. Keeping yourself alive and well while maintaining a happy and healthy relationship is the best thing you can do for both yourself and your relationship’s future.

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