Anna Marie Lopes: Started a life after death

Anna Marie Lopes: Started a life after death

Anna Marie Lopes is a domestic violence survivor and works for Maitri India, a New Delhi based non-profit organisation that works with vulnerable population of India like migrant workers, HIV individuals, abandoned widow mothers, underserved women and children and domestic violence survivor.

Brought up in Dubai, Abuse was not unknown to Anna as she grew up looking at her father and mother. At the age of nineteen, she met her ex-husband through a couple of common friends and soon they were married off as the groom’s family was in a hurry. Anna wasn’t even asked if she was ready nor she could stand up for herself.

Slowly, she started to understand the true side of her husband to which initially she was ignorant. She spent her initial time in adjusting to the circumstances whereas he was busy having fun instead of helping her. “He was never there to support me and never would I voice out myself. He was always ignorant to what I had to say and would in turn give me a set of rules I had to follow- don’t wear such clothes, don’t wear so many jewellery, don’t put on so much make up etc. to adjust with his family. It started upsetting me because he wanted to change me completely to be his wife” says Anna.

Soon she expressed her will to quit the marriage but the moment her husband came to know about it, the abuse started to escalate. “It started with him breaking my phone. He would physically abuse me, try to choke me, hit me with a belt and do such things but the very next day he would behave as if nothing has happened and say that I shouldn’t be doing things which can provoke him. Because he knew I didn’t want to continue this marriage, he started isolating me- he stopped me from talking to parents, friends, took away laptop and even if I would use the laptop he installed spyware software to monitor all my online movements. He didn’t let me complete my education and kept my papers under his custody. If he has to go somewhere, he would lock me inside”

Anna also found out about his affair with a minor and when she objected he would abuse him even more. In 2011, the abuse took a sexual form where Anna even experienced marital rape. “My health was deteriorating and I was undergoing depression and anxiety. I couldn’t help myself to come out of bed and even tried to suicide but it didn’t work.”

Finally In 2012, his parents wanted her to apply for US visa and that’s when she had the passport with her but they didn’t give any supportive documents because of which she was not given the visa. However, the embassy again asked her to apply for the interview and its then she decided to take a chance and leave.

“I applied for interview online but selected a date which was a month far so that I have my passport along. I immediately called up few friends I could trust and told them that I have some money under my bed- take it and book a ticket because I have to leave. My friends called up Maitri and told my situation to which they responded to bring me here. Thats how I took off finally and came to delhi.”

As soon as she landed, with the help of Maitri she got legal counselling and guidance and appropriate measures were taken regarding the safety. And last year even divorce came through.

“Life has been tough because it is not easy to start from scratch when you have no support after such traumatic event, especially from family. However, thanks to Maitri who supported me all through and made me what I am today.”

How did you came out of it?

I came out of it with help of friends. My family wasn’t supportive. My dad wasn’t aware of the situation whereas my mom who knew of it was not supporting because she wanted me to stick to the marriage no matter what. She wasn’t able to understand psychology of this man and how far he could go to hide his villainous side.

No one could actually understand magnitude of the problem. So, there was always this sense of rejection that I felt from my family. I wanted to go back home but there was never a time when she would say come back home, nothing of such sort would happen again. Thats the reason why I have to leave the country entirely.

Are the situations same even now?

My father is supportive now but my mother isn’t. She has very religious outlook on life probably that’s why she is unable to look at things practically and naturally. There have been times when I wanted to commute to her what has happened with me in detail with or without evidence and let her know how much I needed her but she still chose to stick to her mindset.

The saddest part of all is the fact that she is still in touch with my X-husband. All this has left a big scar on me because even after knowing what he has done to her daughter she is keeping relations with him. She says he has changed but she doesn’t understand that this all is just a facade to show people that it’s me who is to be blamed.

How did you tackle all of it?

I was with people who educated me on what should be done. Once I was in Delhi, I immediately hired a lawyer so that my X-husband could not drag me into anything.

Also, I went to local police station and crime against women cell where I informed about the situation and how I am intimidated about the fact that he might find me and do some harm. After all this, I worked towards my divorce. To support myself financially, I worked with Maitri. Started to go for therapy to come out of the effect the abuse had on me and I am still going for it.

What impression has this entire episode left on you for the opposite sex?

I think it is true that whenever I see a man now, for me it is hard to trust and to think best of him. There is always a part of you who cross-questions that what if he turns out to be the same? Doubt and suspicious remains but I think it is only a good relationship that can over-lap all of it.

What has been government role in your situation?

Honestly, it’s been disappointing. As far as, my lawyer is concerned he was absolutely supportive and amazing but when it comes to Delhi police and crime against women cell they weren’t as sensitive as they are supposed to be and were looking for reasons to not help even when I have Indian passport, which was discouraging.

So, what do you do now?

I use my experience to communicate and spread awareness about domestic violence issues. I speak about how to prevent and end domestic abuse through various social platforms and talk to various women who have been through the same issue and portray their story in a better way.

Any message to women?

Never give up and never settle for less. Many women think they deserve the abuse and they are the cause of it which is really a wrong thought process. Look for a gap to reach out to someone who can actually help you to get out from the situation. Never stop looking for help as it is definitely avaible.

What have you learnt from this situation?

I am stronger, can evaluate relationship better, know how to discern and identify wrong and rights, learned to stand up for wrong things and value what I have.