Couples who go through a dry spell either get hornier or lose interest in their relationship.
Researchers say that sexual satisfaction plays a major role in couples’ healthy relationships, however, there are a few factors that can influence the quality of a couple’s sex life along with individual sexual desire over the course of a relationship.
There are many researches that say men are hornier than women. Well, it is not completely true and the people that spout this shite every time are wrong. It completely varies from person to person. Some men have a higher libido and some lower and it goes same for the women.
However, many recent researches have shown that usually women are far hungrier for (good or hardcore) sex than men. It’s perfectly natural as couples of all ages experience this all the time but it doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t working.
Also, it has been observed that women are more in need of delicate sexual pleasure and often complain about their husbands never touching them unless they want sex. This very act turns women off.
“It is understandable that as a man, you are the more highly-sexed partner, but, men also need to understand that it is needed in a relationship when she wants a hug, cuddle, hold hands, sit next to her on the couch and have a conversation, or kiss her in ways that are affectionate but not sexual. I get a lot of complaints from women saying that men are incapable of hugging without their hands running down their bodies. Since many women like affection without any sexual pleasures, they get annoyed at times when every touch becomes a motive of foreplay,” says Bengaluru based Psychologist and relationship expert Sindhu Vasanth.
Let’s look at some solutions what can be done when you are the partner with the higher sex drive and you’re struggling with how to manage it.
1. What do you really want: You have to be sure about it that is it sex that you really want or it other needs which includes more sexual fun together which includes different positions, different styles (hardcore sex, BDSM, SNM), asexual relationship, nonsexual affection or the proof which shows your partner’s love? Also, it has been seen that despite desire differences, couples usually feel closer to each other when they cuddle more, travel more, and treat each other compassionately.
2. Talk to your partner and see how they feel: The biggest problem in every relationship is that couples don’t share stuff with each other and it is pretty ironic that they hesitate to talk about it with the one they choose to live with forever. Couples have to be open with everything and check-in with your partner about how exactly they feel about it. Share whatever‘s been going on in your mind. Doing this, there is a possibility that you could actually experience immediate relief and see the solution to the problem gets resolve itself, or realize you have other related issues that are the actual cause.
3. Never take it personally: It may be hard for you to know that your sexual desires are rejected repeatedly but never take it personally because your partner’s lower libido doesn’t say anything about you, or their affection/attraction to you or your qualities as a human being. Men and women hormones and personalities differ wildly so it may be a matter of a hormonal deficiency, physiological problems, or some feelings that a person has about himself or herself. Try to have an open and honest discussion about your differences in sex drive and what can be done about it.
4. Engage in self-pleasure more often: Know that your partner isn’t the one solely who is responsible for meeting your sexual needs or desires. You can take things into your own hands which actually feels great sometimes and it works for some couples. Self-pleasuring is a great way to alleviating your sexual tension outside of direct intimacy with your partner. But, if you’re going to self-pleasure yourself, you don’t have to try to hide it, or rush through it, or do it from a place of anger. Because, if you’re always hiding it, it just creates more distance between the two of you. You can also turn on your partner if it helps.
P.S.: The term “self-pleasure” that I am using here instead of “masturbation” is because it expresses whole different energy and I’m encouraging you to focus on practicing a more mindful way of pleasuring yourself using no porn, or any kind of visuals unless it features your partner. Still, try this practice on with total mindfulness.
5. Ask if your partner can do anything to help you feel loved and supported: It is ok if you aren’t doing anything sexual because you can still find ways to connect to cherish intimacy and physical touch. Sometimes it happens naturally, but other times you look for signs such as acknowledgment, attention, approval, and acceptance from your partner. Also, ask if your partner can work on compromise like if you want to have sex 5 times a week and your partner wants once a week (or less), then perhaps you can try having sex twice a week for a while.
6. Consult sex therapist: Try to see a sex therapist because he/she will be able to pinpoint some of the underlying issues that contribute to your sexual disconnect. There are many sex therapies that couples can try to relive their moment. Studies have shown that for both men and women, physical and mental health is very important and it has an impact on libido perhaps this is why it is the main reason couples seek out sex therapy.
“Couples have to understand that having different sex drives is an obstacle many couples face in their relationship, specially as they stay together for a longer period of time. Stress, hormone levels physical to name a few, can cause a lower sex drive. However, with healthy communication, proper understanding, and maybe trying to spice things up in your bedroom, can overcome this obstacle.”
“Everyone’s body is different and reacts different sexually in fact, there may be sometimes chapters along the way where you will find that one partner will have a higher sex drive, and later it switches to the other partner. So, this happens every time but what matters is how you manage to live with the one who has a lower sex drive because experiencing unmatched sex drives is just a part of a relationship”, Vasanth added.
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