Happily ever after does happen, but sometimes it takes a lot of compromise, love, trust, and primarily understanding
If you think living together before getting married will make things easy for you after marriage, then it is not completely true. You may think it will be easy to escape that adjustment period, but it gets complicated because YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, so things will be different. You’re legally bound and there’s something about that which may change the entire relationship. So, there may be many expectations and different realities.
In India, we have two marriage trends.
1. Arranged Marriage (followed tradition)
2. Love or love cum arranged marriage (self-made decision)
Now, here’s the thing,
For some couples when the marriage was arranged, the first year is probably the hardest, as you still learn to adjust and understand each other and the problems that occur are considered very common and it requires love, affection, commitment, and above all an understanding to ensure the survival of a marital relationship.
And for the other couples, the first year of marriage is actually a honeymoon phase, where both partners are in love (ignoring all the little issues) and life feels pretty magical. But, the problem is, many couples could unknowingly walk into a ticking time bomb and if they’re not aware and careful, some issues can later become challenges.
What I believe is that couples should love, trust, and understand each other unconditionally and not based on how much money the other partner earns. Money is an important factor but not everything, because if it would have been everything for a successful relationship then let me remind you, even the couples who are rich get separated and we know multiple examples to share from Hollywood, Bollywood, and even Business Tycoons.
Here are some most common mistakes that couples make in the first year of marriage and how they can work to fix them before they destroy their relationship.
1. No fun: Think about it. If you both are really funny and laugh a lot even on the silliest thing, then why would you fight even if something goes wrong? Being funny avoids a lot of problems in a relationship only because you don’t get angry about every little thing and are capable of giving silent treatments to your partner, so try to be cool with the one you are in a relationship.
2. Bad mood swings: Make sure your mood swings doesn’t affect your relationship. It is human nature when someone is not in a good mood, or feeling low or frustrated then provoking them will definitely be a wrong idea. They need your love and support rather than constant bickering. Trust me, if you’re capable enough to understand this, half of your problems will be resolved before you know it.
3. Money: The least important thing to fight about according to me is money. You came into a relationship because you both fell in love with each other or you agreed to live with each other, not because of the partner’s salary which can be low, average, or exciting. If you really want to live with each other, then there should be no fight at least not over money because it is not permanent, and it comes and goes. What is the point of fighting when you knew what you are getting yourself into?
4. Misunderstanding: This can be an issue if not resolved quickly. A lot of fights happen because a guy says something else and a girl takes it in another way or vice-versa. This should not happen since you live together and know everything about everything. At least, be clear with everything you say and leave no place for misunderstanding.
5. Less communication/attention and appreciation: After a certain amount of time, couples don’t talk and spend time with each other like they used to do in the beginning. You both need to analyze what went wrong and start to have a long discussion. Try to reminisce about the time you had really fun, complement each other, appreciate and give attention to each other. It’s worth a try, and chances are it will add some emotions and affection to your relationship which was missing of course.
6. Friends: Fighting over each other’s friends is actually a stupid thing to do. Now, if your wife or husband doesn’t like your friends then ask him/her what exactly they to hate about. If there is a legitimate reason then the fight was for a good cause and you should work it out but if your spouses are being unreasonable, then talk to them and make them understand because let’s be frank, you’re married so that’s all you can do (lol).
7. Addictions: A genuine issue that a lot of women have to face perhaps every day. If the husband is an alcoholic, a wife can tolerate him and may still love him unconditionally. But, if due to his addictions, things are falling apart, no one can stay with him. So, if the women have a problem with husbands being an alcoholic then it does make sense. Similarly, if the wife is a shopaholic, will the husband love her unconditionally? Maybe or maybe not, Fights are inevitable when addictions are not overcome but at least being a shopaholic is way better than being an alcoholic, isn’t it?
8. Hobbies: You need a hobby together as a couple and make sure to take some time to enjoy it. You can travel together, watch movies, cook, and play games or whatever you feel like. The more fun activity you will have together, the less time and reason will be there to fight for.
9. Family planning: There are generally men who don’t want kids right away or probably ever. Talk to your partner before it’s too late and if you both mutually agree to something, why there would be a fight. One has to compromise in this as it is necessary for this situation in a relationship and also should consider having a baby. However, make sure that you both are on the same page that whether or not you want a baby BEFORE YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLE.
10. Adjusting with In-laws: It may not always be a reason which causes issues in your married life but then at times, there are situations when your in-laws might cause trouble for you. If such a thing happens, fights occur between you and your partner so try to figure out who is wrong here but also make sure to never speak ill about your in-laws not because they are your partner’s parents, but because it sounds ugly and low standards. Besides, if you have a partner with a good understanding, then it won’t be an issue.
11. Intimacy: You have to know what exactly the problem is. If one partner does not want to have sex at all or cannot perform, then ask your partner if he/she is comfortable taking counseling or sex therapy. If/she refuses to seek any professional help, conflict about intimacy or sex life is almost impossible to resolve. So, the partner with less desire to have sex should consider going to counseling just to know what exactly the problem is which is holding him/her back.
12. Chores: In a marriage, men are considered as breadwinners who are in charge of how their spouses spend their money and arrange the household work. However, many researchers have shown that many women able to manage their relationships and do more chores regardless of them being the breadwinners of the family. Men are less likely to help their partner thinking it’s not their job to do, which is a sick mentality that this society has created. It is not about a job, as it is more about helping your partner, you should do it if you love her, as simple as that.
“The couple has to think about tough choices like managing career along with managing both sides of the family, taking care of finances, sharing household chores, adjusting with in-laws and put a lot of time, effort and energy. All these things stress out the newly married couples and when it strikes, partners are the first to suffer and complain frequently of becoming the last one on the list of your priority,” says Dr. Dhaarna Bhardwaj, psychotherapist and relationship expert in Jaipur.
“Couples should try to build better relationships always remember and be polite even when you are frustrated, partners should use humor or playfulness to defuse arguments, always agree to disagree, as a relationship is more important than winning or losing an argument. Couples also respectfully accept one another’s differing perspectives and take responsibility instead of being defensive, and create a culture of appreciation rather than being critical or judgmental like dropping love notes for your partner, or express gratitude,” Bhardwaj added.
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